


Looking Backwards, Looking Forwards

by zKghOsT



Category: Avengers
Genre: 6 reasons why Tony Stark commited suicide, Avengers - Freeform, Avengers all still living together, Blood, Couldve been prevented, Death, Depressing, Depression, Each character has a perspective before and after, F/M, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Mild Stony but ends up being sad, No Thanos, PTSD, Post Civil War, Rape, Sad, Somebody give Tony a hug, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, inspired by 13 reasons why, mental health, post Age of Ultron
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-10-05 07:52:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17320961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zKghOsT/pseuds/zKghOsT
Summary: Tony Stark kills himself, and the team doesn’t know how to cope with it. Each avenger tells their perspective on before and after he took his life. They could’ve prevented it, but didn’t. It’s like the saying, you can never actually appreciate something until it’s gone.





	1. Tony (before)

**Author's Note:**

> Fuck I couldn’t move the “Before” sign bc I’m bad at using HTML stuff but oH weLL enjOy! My fics and either be insanely deep, or fucking crack shit

                **Before**

 

Most people underestimated him. Mistook him for just another billionaire  wasting countless amounts of money towards absolutely nothing. 

And at times, he was exactly that. But then it happened.

The crash, the desert. The huge wave of stress and anxiety. He was only able to save himself with a car battery and a lousy metal suit. 

A couple months later, he was Iron  Man. And even more months later, he was an avenger.

Living with the avengers was okay, though at times he wished he was alone. Steve was always being an old man, Clint was annoying, Natasha scared him, Bruce was okay, and Thor was too loud. 

Until the stupid winter soldier came and ruined everything for him. 

With no other place to stay, Steve and his crew came back to live at Tony's tower. It was a hard decision to let the man who murdered his parents and the people who betrayed him live with him, but he agreed out of loneliness. And as expected, things were never the same from there.

After their breakup, Pepper was never as close to Tony as she used to be. They remained friends, but hardly talked at all with the exception of work purposes.

That's why Tony's sitting alone in his lab, working on some shield upgrades, shutting himself out from everything else.

He has officially just broken his record of not eating or sleeping, for 5 whole days. He didn't seem to notice though, being too focused on making his machines work.

"Sir, I must insist you get some rest. You have not eaten or slept for 5 days and 14 hours." 

The sudden voice of Jarvis snapped Tony back into reality.

"Not now J, I'm almost done." he grumbled in annoyance.

"My apologies sir, but I worry for your health. According to the department of science, a normal human will die after 2 weeks of no food or sleep."

Once again, Tony sighed at the AI's words.

"Fine Jarvis, but don't ask me again, or I will sell you to some college." Tony stated, trudging slowly out of his lab.

"Understood, sir." 

Nobody knew what was really going on inside of Tony. I mean, he's had 40 years of experience with his "paparazzi face" and acting to the public. 

But deep down, something was slowly consuming him. Feelings of losing self worth, depression, and anxiety began to overcome him, as he sank into a hole he could never escape from.

As he made his way out of his lab to the kitchen, he noticed it was unusually quiet in the tower. Not that he minded though. 

He scavenged through the refrigerator looking for food, when he heard a sudden BOOM. 

Tony jumped at the sound, with his anxiety completely taking over. He clutched the refrigerator door as he slowly sunk to the ground, gasping for air, as the events in Afghanistan all came back to him.

"Breath in and out sir, slowly."

He remembered Jarvis's words, and began to slowly breathe in and out. Panic attacks were awful, always hitting him at unexpected moments with almost anything being able to trigger them.

Breathing heavily one last time, Tony slowly stood up, groping the kitchen counter, and made his way to the sound of the gunshot.

He grabbed the gun hidden in a file cabinet, backed to the door. As he turned around and pointed the gun in the room, he realized there was no gunshot or intruder.

It was only a movie, coincidentally his favorite, Saving Private Ryan. As he  crept into the room, he saw all the avengers curled up together on the couch. 

Natasha was laying on Steve's shoulder, Clint on Natasha's lap, Thor was accidentally slobbering as much popcorn as he could on Steve, Bucky was getting pissed off, Wanda was on the edge of the couch, and Bruce was on his own separate chair.

Tony was confused at first, until he realized it was Friday, and each Friday was the weekly avengers movie night.

He tried tapping his foot lightly to get someone to notice him, but nobody seemed to hear. He then tried it a little louder, yet still nobody heard.

_Nobody listens to you._

Ouch. Sudden thoughts like that occasionally came up to him, and had a bigger effect than they should've.

"Ahem.." he finally mumbled. 

Everyone on the couch suddenly either got up or turned their heads at him. 

They looked weirdly guilty in a way.

"Uh, hey Tony..." Bruce spoke softly with a guilty grin.

"Um, hey, watcha watching!" Tony said awkwardly, scratching his neck.

"Saving Private Ryan." Bucky spat with a glare. "You wouldn't like it".

"Well, for a matter of fact this is my favorite movie so.....you wouldn't mind if I joined you, right? I mean it's also kinda my house so....uh..." Tony asked with a cringe.

The avengers exchanged disappointed and cringed glances, until Steve finally replied, "Yeah, sure."

Tony gave a weak smile as he awkwardly walked to the couch and sat in the only open spot, near in between Clint and Natasha.

Natasha moved further away from him as she scanned him head to toe, then continued to lie on Steve.

Clint looked pissed off, having to leave Natasha's lap for Tony to sit. 

Nobody looked as relaxed and happy as they used to be, not focusing on the movie, but rather the fact that Tony was there.

_Nobody wants you here. ___

__He knew he shouldn't care about the small things like this, but all the disgusted and annoyed looks were getting to him._ _

__Tony began to fidget with his hands in embarrassment and disappointment. They were his friends, and he shouldn't need to feel this way in front of them._ _

__But why did they feel this way about him?_ _

__To his surprise, the movie suddenly stopped, with the pause icon showing in the TV corner._ _

__Tony turned to Steve, with the remote in his hands, as Steve got up._ _

__"Okay, it's pretty late, so, uh, we should all go to sleep now." Steve said with a fake smile._ _

__All the avengers looked at Steve, puzzled, until Natasha got up as well._ _

__"Steve's right, we should go." She (fake) yawned._ _

__Clint and Thor nodded their heads in agreement and quickly paced out of the room._ _

__Wanda and Bucky both exited without a thought._ _

__Bruce sighed and slowly walked out, glancing at Tony one last time before heading to his room._ _

__"Uh, here Tony, you can finish it." Steve dropped the remote near Tony as he quickly walked out._ _

__It had only been 45 minutes through the movie, yet they all decided to "go to bed" at 8:00._ _

__Tony remained alone in the room with a confused and sad look, as he got up and looked around._ _

___Nobody cares about you.___

____Tony sighed and walked out of the room, back into his lab._ _ _ _

____These people he thought were his friends, who he considered his only family didn't even care about him. Sure they had their hardships, with the winter soldier incident and constant bickering, but he still considered them family._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____Ouch._ _ _ _

____It was only a matter of time until he would break._ _ _ _

____With nothing to do or nobody to talk to, Tony began to work on his equipment once more._ _ _ _


	2. Clint (before)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clint.

                      **Before**

 

Clint didn't like Tony Stark. In fact, he despised him very greatly.

Not only was it Stark's bickering and constant teasing, but his personality as well. He hated that "playboy billionaire I'm-better-than-you" voice that he always talked with.

Recently, Stark had walked in on their weekly movie night, and ruined it for all of them. 

 

Clint didn't always hate Tony though. 

 

There were times before the huge civil war fight and afterward problems that they were friends. Clint used to teach Tony archery in his free time, which Tony would always enjoy.

Nowadays, Stark isolates himself in his lab working on useless equipment that will not benefit anyone. 

Clint doesn't mind much though. Nowadays, Stark doesn’t mean shit to him.

To get Stark back from "ruining" the movie, Natasha and Clint decided to pull a prank on him.

They noticed his fear of guns and loud noises, and decided to use it against him.

Later on that Friday night when Stark has so rudely interrupted their movie, Clint and Natasha snuck into his lab through the seemingly small air vents.

They slowly opened one of the vents without making a sound, and stared at Stark, who was once again, working on his lab equipment.

"Oh my god, does he ever stop?" Natasha said while grinning.

Clint chuckled. "Seems like never. Get the gun ready." 

Natasha pulled out a small and harmless gun from her satchel, and aimed it at the wall near Stark.

"Ok, ready, steady, shoot! Now!" 

Natasha shot the gun while Clint covered his ears.

The bullet crashed into the wall, shocking Stark and making him jump.

Clint and Natasha stared at Stark heaving and began to silently giggle at their successful "prank".

Little did giggling Natasha or Clint know, Tony was breaking down in panic attack. 

He desperately gasped for air as it felt that their was none. He sank to the floor, trying to breath, while clutching his chest as his face went red.

Natasha and Clint immediately wiped off their grins as they saw Stark fall to the ground gasping for air.

"Um, should we help him?" Natasha asked, concerned.

"Ugh, I don't know. Because then he'll find out it was us who did this." Clint said, feeling guilty while placing his hand on his forehead.

"Breathe in and out sir. In and out"

Hearing the AI's voice calmed Tony down as he quickly began to follow his instructions.

"See, look. Jarvis has it covered." Natasha said softly.

"Yeah, he'll be okay, right?" Clint asked with a worried expression.

Natasha nodded as she slowly made her way out, Clint right behind her.

If only they knew that Stark would spend the rest of his night crying in panic.

But that was yesterday, and today's a new day.

It's Saturday now, and Clint is up at 6:00 sharp, sparring and shooting targets from unbelievable distances. 

And while Clint is admiring his bowing skills, Tony is looking for reasons to live.

Maybe Clint could help him.

As Clint was about to finish off his training with a huge long distant shot, he felt a small tap on his shoulder.

He turned around stunned, and aimed his arrow right at the figure. 

It was Stark.

Confused, Clint's face lightened as he lowered his bow and stared at Stark.

"I—Clint, uh...I completed my final suit upgrade, and just wanna spend some time outside." Tony mumbled while fidgeting with his fingers.

Clint gave a disapproving look, as he scoffed at Stark.

"Wow, finally out of the lab. Like a rat out of a cage, never expected it Stark."

You're compared to a useless rat.

Tony continued to stand in one place awkwardly. 

"Well what do you want Stark?" Clint spat, angrily clutching his bow at Stark's presence.

Nobody wants you near them, you're worthless.

"I- just, we used to spar together a lot, and practice shooting, and, I want to do that again."

Clint stared at Tony with a perplexed look. I mean, it was Stark asking, but he didn't have it in him to decline, especially after what he'd done to him the previous night.

Clint sighed. "Okay, whatever suits you Stark."

Tony’s eyes lit up gleefully, as Clint handed him his bow.

The next few hours went well, as Clint re-taught Stark how to shoot. The arena wasn't that big, but Tony was amazed at Clint's ability to never miss.

Clint tried his best to hide his guilt from the previous night, but seeing Stark's tired and sad expression every now and then made him feel bad.

But Stark deserved it. Or at least to Clint.

After a few hours of training, Clint ended up hiking through the nearby park with Stark, talking about his family and kids, as they sat down on a cozy bench.

"I can't believe her, she got all 4's on her report card, and excelled in all of her classes. And, she's only 5! You probably wouldn't understand because you don't have kids Stark, but—"

"Tony!" Stark interrupted. "You-you used to call me Tony, and honestly I prefer it..." he sputtered.

Clint gave Stark a confused glance, not knowing what's wrong with calling him Stark.

"Ok...Tony." Clint cringed. It sounded so weird calling him that, he hadn't said his first name in a long time.

Tony sighed. "Yeah, you used to call me that all the time, when I was your friend, until the winter soldier stuff.." His voice drifted from loud to soft while speaking.

"The winter soldier? You still have a grudge for that?" Clint asked, turning his head at Tony.

"Yeah, he kinda messed up our whole normal dynamic, and I miss how things used to be." 

Clint groaned in annoyance. "Stark, that was your fault. Don't blame him for your problems."

Tony turned around angrily. "He killed my parents, and almost killed me and my friends."

"He didn't kill your parents, Tony! Hydra did!" Can you not blame someone else for all of your problems?" Clint spat in disgust.

"I-I try not to blame him, but whenever I see him I think of my parents.." Tony said softly, clutching his head.

"You're always so lost in the past! This is why we can't be friends! And this why you deserved what happened in your lab!" Clint spoke loudly, close to  yelling.

Clint was done with Tony's shit, and couldn't deal with the man any more. Stark could deal with his own shit, but Clint wasn't going to be a part of it, so he got up and began to walk away.

"What! What did you say!" Tony growled, immediately standing up. "That gunshot was you?" 

"Yes, Stark, it was." Clint grumbled as he turned around, hiding the tint of guilt he felt.

"Are you fucking kidding me? I had a damn panic attack because of that!" Tony visiously yelled.

"Stop being a baby and grow up Stark!" Clint snapped.

"IT'S TONY GODDAMNIT!" Stark nearly screamed, before slowly slumping back down on the bench. He sighed and clutched his forehead in silence.

"Wanna know why I stopped calling you Tony? Because you're not my friend, Stark, you never were. You're just a bickering little shit making everybody's life worse."

 

Ouch.

 

Even Clint felt slightly hurt saying that. 

With Stark not responding, Clint sighed and began to head back to the facility. 

_You make everyone's life worse._

 

Well, that's one reason not to live.


	3. Natasha

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> well shit! Couldn’t move the BEFORE sign again.

**Before**

 

Stupid cocky Stark.

 

Why couldn't he just shut up for once in his life?!

 

He just has to bring up Natasha's past, causing her to violently attack him.

 

It was a nice and peaceful afternoon, or at least it was supposed to be.

Not many know, but Stark isn't the only one with panic attacks or a bad past.

 

Especially when you're forced to be an assassin for so long, not knowing who you are and your whereabouts. 

Well that was exactly Natasha's past.

Every now and then, some flashbacks would come up, causing her to break down and cry, similar to Stark.

She had just recovered from one, and was now desperately trying to do everything normal and pretend it never happened. Everything was fine, with Steve and Clint watching T.V, and the others eating lunch as well.

But then Stark came in. He looked around for a moment, then decided to sit next to Natasha.

He didn't need to come in, he could've just stayed in his place in the lab.

 

Because that's where he belongs.

 

"Hey Nat." Stark grumbled in a sad tone.

Rolling her eyes, Natasha turned around from her chair, placed her wine glass down, and stared at him blankly. She was pissed off and tired already, and didn’t need any more of Stark’s “sass”.

"What, Stark."

Tony looked at her in confusion. "I—uh, just wanted to say hi."

An awkward silence swept over the room.

"D-Did you ever continue The Office? Remember we used to watch it every night, usually one or two episodes and we stopped at season 4, but then—"

"I finished it." Natasha spat in annoyance.

"Oh, you did." 

"Yes. With Clint. What more do you want?"

"I just wanted to know so I could finish it with you, but I guess not."

"Ok."

Natasha turned back in her direction and continued to lightly sip her wine glass.

"You know, we have a lot more in common that you think." Tony said, sounding desperate.

 

Already angry, Natasha clenched her wine glass hard and harshly slammed it on the table, just enough not to break it.

"What. The hell. Is your point Stark?" Natasha spat while standing up and turning at him.

"Well, I mean we both had bad trauma."

"Ok, so?" Natasha scoffed, looking the other direction.

"I'm just saying that maybe we could uh, restart The Office?"

"What the fuck are you talking about? What even is the point of this conversation!" Natasha uttered, with a breathless, emotionless laugh

"I-uh..."

 

_I just want a friend._

 

"I mean, you did have a traumatizing Russia experience." Tony finally blurted out, trying to get out of the mess he just made.

"Especially with all the mind-control and stuff..." Tony's words faded out.

 

No. No more.

It was so easy to trigger it.

Everything began coming back to her. The scientists. The dancers. The guns. The blood. Her parents.

"Stop...Stark." Natasha managed to mumble out, clutching her head.

"I'm sorry, I'm just saying you had a difficult life—"

"SHUT UP STARK!"

Natasha screamed. She couldn't take it. Not realizing what she was doing, she grabbed her wine glass by the handle and smashed it upon Stark's head.

Blood and wine oozed down Stark's silky white shirt as he stepped back, trembling.

He looked up at her and she saw the fear in his eyes. Fear she had never seen before.

By now, all the avengers had noticed the fight.

Luckily, Dr. Helen Cho was near when the incident happened, helping Stark up and stopping the bleeding with her cloth.

 

Nobody else tried to help him.

 

Natasha didn't mean to do that.

She didn't want to.

She stared at him in horror, realizing what she had done.

"I-I'm—"

She wanted to apologize to him so bad. But she couldn't. She didn't want to be weak. He caused it.

"I-You, you should've have done that.." Natasha mumbled out, before scurrying away.

 

The rest of that evening was a mess.

 

She hadn't bothered to check on Stark, or that huge gash on his forehead from the glass. Instead she laid in her room, overcome by guilt, trying to decide whether to apologize or not.

But I mean, what was his point? Stark was making absolutely no sense.

"We have a lot in common?" What does that even mean? Natasha thought to herself.

She needed to stop beating herself up for this, and told herself that Stark triggered her to act out. Needing some fresh air, Natasha decided to go downstairs and watch some T.V.

The Office, specifically. It did always cheer her up.

And of course, she lied. She never finished it, and never even thought about watching it with Clint. It was only to get out of Stark's stupid pointless discussion.

There was a full moon in the sky, and it reflected brightly through the living room glass, all the way onto the T.V .Natasha sat with the remote in her hand, eating popcorn, while watching season 4 of The Office.

She then heard small and quiet footsteps from behind her, interrupting her calm state and putting her in panic.

"Hey, Nat." Stark said in a disappointed and even more sad tone than before.

Natasha turned around at him, eyes wide, and cringed at the white, blood stained bandage on his forehead, covering one of his eyes.

She also cringed as she realized she was watching The Office in front of Stark, after telling him she had finished it.

"Hey.." She quietly replied back, looking down.

Stark walked around the couch and gently sat down next to her, staring at the screen.

"So, I'm guessing you didn't finish it?" Stark asked, turning his head at her.

"Yeah........" Natasha replied with a cringe as she clenched her eyes and clasped her forehead in embarrassment.

Stark simply nodded his head and turned back at the T.V.

"You know, the guy in this really reminds me of Thor." Stark said.

"Really?" Natasha looked at him with a small smile.

"Yeah, they're both big, annoying, and loud. And they both have crazy food cravings for unnecessary things."

Natasha slightly giggled at his joke. She missed watching The Office with him, and always admired his corny jokes. But she didn't want to admit it. Ever.

A few more episodes went on with Tony joking about the characters and Natasha laughing. She pretended to forget about the previous situation, and tried not to acknowledge the bandage on his head.

After about maybe 4 or 5 episodes, Natasha turned the T.V off, due to being extremely uncomfortable and guilty. Those two did not make a good match.

"To—Stark, we can't do this." Natasha said sadly and heavily, gently placing the remote down.

"Well, why?" Stark responded.

"It's not like old times. It'll never be the same. I can't do this."

Tony felt it in his head again.

_Nobody wants to be around you._

"But it was nice.." Tony replied in confusion.

Tired and embarrassed, Natasha finally stood up from the couch. "Things are different now. We can't mess around and get distracted like this. Nothings how it used to be." she choked out, quickly walking away from Stark.

She didn't want to say that. 

It hurt her to say that.

But it hurt Stark more.

That's another reason not to live.


End file.
